Gaining and Losing

We’re not even a full week into the month and October is already proving to be a little much: we’ve welcomed a new nibling into the family, it’s been a year since Ivory’s father was laid to rest, and this weekend we celebrate our first anniversary as a married couple.

If there’s anything I’ve learned to appreciate as an adult, it’s the bittersweet nature of events. I’m assuming it comes with time, because the longer you’re on this planet the more likely you are to lose someone, and to think of and miss them during big moments. So, here we are, looking forward to meeting our niece in person, celebrating a year of love and commitment, and at the same time faced with the reminders of loss.

Last week, I pulled out the ham bones we’ve been saving and made some split pea soup. It was appropriately cool at the start of the week, and the idea of a pot of soup seemed soul-warming, especially thinking of my Grandma Marie, since I use the recipe she gave me to make it. But then, I was surprised to end up dreaming of my other grandmother, my dad’s mom, the night after I made the soup. Grandma Doris was also a wonder in the kitchen, especially when it came to delicious baked goods, so it probably wasn’t much of a stretch to be thinking of her, but it’s been so long since she was in one of my dreams.

I can’t say I really put much stock in it meaning something to dream of someone you’ve lost, it’s not even something I really clung to or thought of as important; I’ve always considered that to be what memories are for. Still, in the last year, I’ve found relief the mornings I’ve realized I had a dream of Moxie, even if it was just something brief and inconsequential. There was an equal amount of relief to have dreamed of Grandma Doris, especially because we were having a conversation about how people show you they love you, and that not everyone shows it the same way. She also demanded I give her the biggest hug, and the last time I would have done that was probably close to 20 years ago at this point. The dream ended with a bunch of bumble bees the size of canaries showing up around the tree in her front yard, so things really took a turn…

I’ve thought back to that dream a lot in the past week, probably because of some of my internal frustration when it comes to communication, and the emotional distance that seems to widen between myself and certain people. When I wrote about saying goodbye to Grandma Marie, I mentioned how glad I was I got to know her as an adult, and that’s very much something I missed out on when it came to Grandma Doris. I wasn’t even out of college when she died, and there was a lot I didn’t know about myself then. I often wonder what she would make of my gender and sexuality, would it be something contentious? I can’t lie that I’m glad to have skirted the “difficult” talks with my grandparents, helping to maintain a little more sweetness in my memories instead of some of the bitterness that could have been there.

It’s about to be a busy weekend. We’re attending a Yarn Tasting tomorrow, and have family coming from out of town. So, I’m about to shut my brain off for the next few hours after what was a pretty busy week.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to post a bit more here next week. As my scrolling of Bluesky increases, my need to pour words onto a page decreases, so that’s something I definitely need to keep in check.