Prompts, Busyness, and some Melancholy
The answer here is always follower. Always.
In my opinion, leaders have to be pretty secure in their ability to make decisions or delegate, and I feel like the scenario where I run things has to be so hyper specific for me to be comfortable that it’s likely never to happen. I’m far too insecure to run the show when it comes to pretty much anything.
That’s not to say that I don’t have opinions when leadership is done poorly, or I notice a way to potentially improve something. No one is perfect, and there are certainly instances where even someone in charge needs direction, but am I going to lead the way? Absolutely not!
There’s not much inspiring me with today’s prompt, and I’m coming back from a challenging weekend where I didn’t end up posting at all.
It’s funny to me, that during the week when my schedule is packed with work and household responsibilities, I am still capable of getting here and writing something, but the second the weekend comes around it’s easier to just push off the task until the day is over and I’m out of time. Granted, we had a full day on Saturday that was both mentally and physically exhausting, and then Sunday was the rebound from that. I’m trying to think about how I might want to manage this in a few weeks because to say June will be a busy month would be an understatement.
There’s lots of travel in our future, and toting around a laptop in those scenarios isn’t going to be ideal. I might have to dig out a bluetooth keyboard or something, because heaven forbid I go more than 48 hours without clattering my fingers over some keys.Or, maybe I just try to be in the moment for the few days when we aren’t going to be at home, because I’m pretty sure I’ll be too exhausted to form coherent thoughts I’ll feel its necessary to share with the rest of the internet.
I’ve been dreading this month, probably for the last year, and this week specifically. Saturday, it will be a year since we said goodbye to Moxie, and if there’s one thing my brain is really good at, it’s replaying scenarios. So, I’ve had a lot of mental processing that’s gone into the aftermath, everything that led up to that day, and what it was like to live it. Apparently, this is my brain’s way of trying to make peace with the outcome? Except that I’m not there yet.
There’s not a set timeline for grief, but honestly it’s regret more than anything else. There are days when I wish I’d been a little more selfish and refused to let her go for a little longer. Except, then I remember holding her in her final minutes and feeling her truly relax for the first time in so very long, and realizing just how uncomfortable she had been, and I think about how unfair it would have been to have kept her because I wasn’t ever going to be ready to say goodbye.
My penchant for time blindness makes navigating this especially challenging, because sometimes, I swear it’s like 12 months ago was yesterday, and when it feels like that all of the feelings from that time seem to come back just as fresh and real as when I first felt them.
So much has changed in that time, some of it sooner than we expected, some of it right on schedule. Life goes on, whether I’ve given it permission to or not. So, I’ll sit with my memories this week. It’s weird how there are moments of my life that it’s like my body somehow remembers it on a cellular level or something. Maybe in five years, it will be a sort of emotionally achy week, where I’m sad for a few days and it takes me some time for the echoes to come back and give sense to the sadness; not that intellectualizing feelings is necessarily the best way to handle them… But for now? It sucks, and I miss her.
Posted: by Kate
